After months of not talking to each other with my mom, her first question shocked and upsetted me JUST NOW.

Yes, i admit bathing at queer hours in the wee hours of the night everyNIGHT is indeed weird and strange for a 19 year old girl; and plus extreme insomnia(that includes not being able to sleep until like 2 or 3plus in the afternoon), but i am not crazy.

Look, i neither work nor am i schooling right now; so basically my life now is super flexible and free now, right? that explained why i am able to bathe in the wee hours of the night; and not sleeping till afternoon time. and when i did sleep, i wake up in the NIGHT. yes, i know my biological clock is badly screwed up. PLUS yes, i am fucking lazy and that's why i still didn't got a job yet; though i promised to apply again for the art school next year. so school will start next year, right?

i need time to find out what kinda job will make me stay and last long too yeah? i'm sick of changing jobs after a month or so all the time. it's tiring and depressing; 'cos you lost your income on the way.

and partly it's because i have had emotional problems dealing with people; that makes me reluctant to go out and MEET people. i'd lost all my friends, so what do you think???

but all these doesn't add up to me being crazy; goddamnit. i think alot, and what i think makes sense to me. it's like enlightenment; yea??

back to the thing she asked me. the first question that popped out of her mouth was;


"Dad said to bring you to the doctor's this afternoon."

"HUH? WHAT doctor?"

"to see a doctor."

"SEE WHAT DOCTOR?! FOR WHAT??!"

i was just out of my bathroom, and i just walked furiously across the kitchen after these few dialogues.


"I'm not gonna see any stupid doctor."

and i muttered 'crazy' as i walked back to my room.


I WAS SO MAD.

I couldn't believe what they're suggesting. fuck it alright, if you think i had a mental problem. i don't need a bloody shrink.

and even if i am really mad, the best remedy would be to send me away from this fucking country and let me live abroad. because staying here is what's making me crazy all the time.


WHAT the fuck??? the worst thing that could happen to you is when nobody fucking understands you and you're being seen as a bloody lunatic.

1. You are attracted to those who have split personality, like cold as ice on the outside, but hot as fire in the heart.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you feel irresistable is patience, never give up on you.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.
4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner is one which make you feel warmth and in-love always.
6. You are tolerant; you'll try very hard not to commit adultery.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married, you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you don't have the thirst for love, you can't do anything for it, you won't fall for it easily.



God, How fucking True. If only I could be understood like this...

http://naucon.net/misc/tests/love_test01.htm

Man i'm bored outta my fucking mind. here i am, woke up at around 9pm and sitting in front of the laptop and effing feeling shit. man i don't wanna talk to anyone; but i wanna do something. have you ever felt this way before? wanting to do something but don't know what to do?

watching the people downstairs at the coffeshop smoking and chit chatting away, looking at newspapers; hell aren't they feeling good...

how can i enjoy life simply?

sometimes i really feel i should be a wanderer... if i'm a man; it'll be good 'cos i wanna be a wandering monk. life will be pretty happy for me i guess. sigh...


i really wanna go abroad man.

i really wanna fucking fly out of my windows when i see the planes passed by everytime.... oh.... hell...............................when can i get out of here...

I love the early morning skies; and the smell of it. It really will get one going if you're feeling bad. Whether it's a gloomy start or a sunny start; it'll make you feel good all the same.

Looking outside my window there's a coffeeshop downstairs, a carpark lot building right in front; and housing estates surrounding my residence. i always observes; when it's the early morning time; and when it gets dark, at night. it'll always remain that peaceful for me as i watch the minutes passed by.

i sometimes think how wonderful it will be if there's someone to accompany me watch the sunrise at the roof of the parking lot building ... it'll carve a fucking deep impression on me man.

it's like 6.47am now? i'm still not in bed. i gotta finish captivity first. and maybe some biscuits... goddamn, menstruation is really not something to be jokin' about... it has gotten my appetite fuckin' hella big man.... and yeah.. i still wish there's someone to realise that with me :)

Zits, insomnia, depression; all kinds of signs. i can't be like this anymore...

've been watching alot of films lately... it isn't stupid; i learnt things out of these movies. they're great. and they make me wanna change.

till now im just gonna go with the flow; i ain't gonna rush things anymore; life is short; taste it, enjoy it...... live it.

every mistake's a lesson. and it'll always be a lesson until u quit it. it's humanly behaviour; accept it and live through it.

and so there's something extremely important for me to do; to find myself right now.

forget your imperfections! it is YOU.

have you ever thought why life turns out for you this way? whether it's good or not; ever wondered? analyse your soul.






hey.... i'm finding myself right now; and...








have you found yourself yet? :)

Just woke up; not yet brushed teeth, not yet washed face. And yet i'm talking about issues with a girlfriend. Seriously what is friendship? It has led us to a point where most of us only believe that it is a term made only for benefits.

True or not? you make up your mind. This is reality, and it certainly is cruel, without a doubt; that people tend to have higher priorities than this. True friends are hard to find nowadays, i believed they're extinct, or rather very close to extinction.

While typing over here i'm seriously pondering; don't those people who put up a mask in front of people tired of it? Are you all not tired of hypocrisy?!

Or is it just; relationships are just so fragile?

It's really worth thinking about this if you have a moment of time to spare.

Don't fight the moment.

You'll just die due to extreme disappointment.

That's reality.

I wanna accept it.

But i don't wanna admit it.

For Christ's sake, tell me what i am thinking over here now is wrong.

Everything will be my fault.

My fault on striking it up.

My fault on trusting too much.

My fault for being stupidly overly dependent.

I really don't wanna admit it; damn!

I'm sorry. For existing in your lives before, and i'm sorry.

For trusting too much.

For hurting you.

I am truly so sorry.

This moment of truth i shall serve it as a warning for myself.

Never to cross the line.

I shall begin healing myself from all these disappointment.

To begin this thing with such a gray manner...

I can't help but think it's just me.

I am who i am... and what i want.. is too much for normal people; perhaps?

I sincerely wish for something true to befall on me.

A beautiful Something. Or maybe unbelieveably A Someone?

I couldn't ask for more.

Just a something to get rid of my grays.

Wishing...


and be understood.